I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin
from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack.....she
hasn't even got a car!!
I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel
sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive
myself.
Matt Lucas's ex-partner hanged himself this week. Matt is said to be
distraught but on a lighter note, is now the only gay in the village.
A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom. " Holy F..k" she
screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!!
Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road. A man asks "What's
wrong?" Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Reilly ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind
roight now."
Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" . The
girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after.
She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house,
never had to cook,
Had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never
farted upon. The End.
Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes
to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F..k Off". Anyone
who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!
Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast
speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her
gob shut.
Turned on my Sat Nav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo.
How good is that?
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you
could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm f..
king having that!"
Man lost in a hot air ballon over Ireland . He looks down and sees a
farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b
'stard, you're in that feckin basket!"
Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials
999. Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed
her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is
dead?" CLICK,BANG Paddy "OK, done that, what next?
H/T John The Baker
