Paddy   and Mick go to London to donate sperm.   It was a  disaster!
Paddy  missed the tube and Mick  came on the  bus!

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A  Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.   Paddy  ordered a whiskey.
The  stewardess asked the Muslim  if he'd like a  drink.

He replied in disgust   "I'd rather be  raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch  my  lips!"

Paddy  handed his drink back and said  "Me too, I  didn't  know we had a choice!"

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Paddy  calls Easyjet to book a  flight.  
The  operator asks "How many people are flying with you  ?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your blinking plane!"

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Paddy  and Murphy are working on  a building  site.
Paddy  says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna  pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters , hangs  upside down and shouts  "I'M A  LIGHTBULB!

I'M  A LIGHTBULB!"   Murphy watches in amazement!

The  Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"    So  he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up  to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?"  asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin'  dark!" says Murphy.

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Two  Irish couples decided to  swap partners for the  night.
After  3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says......
"I wonder how the girls  are getting on"

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Paddy  takes his new wife to bed on their wedding  night.
She  undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know  what I want don't you ?"

"Yeah," says Paddy... "The  whole blinkin bed by the looks of  it!"

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Q.   What's a Catholic  priest and a pint of Guiness  got in common?
A.  A black coat, white collar  and you've got to watch  your rear if you get a dodgy  one!

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Paddy,  the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for  not servicing  the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it  was a death trap!
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Paddy,  the Irish boyfriend of  the woman whose head was found  on Arbroath beach was asked to identify   her.
A  detective held up the head to which Paddy said "I don't  think that's her, she wasn't that  tall!"
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Paddy  and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbors' dog is  barking like mad  in the garden. Paddy says  "To hell with this!"   and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5  minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do  ?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden.  Let's see  how they like  it!"

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Paddy  is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have  Bluetongue.
"Be  Jeysus!" he said,  "I didn't even know they had mobile  phones!"

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Mick  and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby  cemetery.
Mick  say "Crikey!  There's a bloke here who was  152!"

Paddy says "What's his name ?"
Mick  replies "Miles,  from   London !"

H/T John The Baker