When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the
kids.
Took her out with one punch.
 
My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed..
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
 
Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
 
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he
was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old
daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound
to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix
out!"
 
My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood
rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am
in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on her forehead
 
 .
 
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and
thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns
around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
 
 
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind
a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."
 
Disabled toilets.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
 
Police have finally admitted they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean
Charles de Menez.
It was his naughty brother Dennis they were after.
 
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty
and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!
 
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
 
I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help
her check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
 
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I
mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
 
 
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
 

 
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get
me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two
stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!"
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"
 
I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits. 

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