Creative Brilliance with a Stick-Man

November 24, 2009 22:28 by

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Just click on the picture above, click on play, then leave the mouse alone, sit back and enjoy a piece of creative brilliance.

Links to here.

 

 

H/T John The Baker


Cricketer

November 24, 2009 22:25 by

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the
bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees 
and had his way with me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big 
long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an English Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

 

 

H/T John The Baker


As Irish as they get!

November 23, 2009 22:34 by

Paddy   and Mick go to London to donate sperm.   It was a  disaster!
Paddy  missed the tube and Mick  came on the  bus!

------------  --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- ---------  -
A  Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.   Paddy  ordered a whiskey.
The  stewardess asked the Muslim  if he'd like a  drink.

He replied in disgust   "I'd rather be  raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch  my  lips!"

Paddy  handed his drink back and said  "Me too, I  didn't  know we had a choice!"

------------  --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- ---------  -
Paddy  calls Easyjet to book a  flight.  
The  operator asks "How many people are flying with you  ?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your blinking plane!"

------------  --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- ---------  -
Paddy  and Murphy are working on  a building  site.
Paddy  says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna  pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters , hangs  upside down and shouts  "I'M A  LIGHTBULB!

I'M  A LIGHTBULB!"   Murphy watches in amazement!

The  Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"    So  he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up  to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?"  asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin'  dark!" says Murphy.

------------  --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- ---------  -

Two  Irish couples decided to  swap partners for the  night.
After  3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says......
"I wonder how the girls  are getting on"

------------  --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- ---------  -
Paddy  takes his new wife to bed on their wedding  night.
She  undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know  what I want don't you ?"

"Yeah," says Paddy... "The  whole blinkin bed by the looks of  it!"

------------  --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- ---------  -

Q.   What's a Catholic  priest and a pint of Guiness  got in common?
A.  A black coat, white collar  and you've got to watch  your rear if you get a dodgy  one!

------------  --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- ---------  -
Paddy,  the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for  not servicing  the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it  was a death trap!
------------  --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- ---------  -
Paddy,  the Irish boyfriend of  the woman whose head was found  on Arbroath beach was asked to identify   her.
A  detective held up the head to which Paddy said "I don't  think that's her, she wasn't that  tall!"
------------  --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- ---------  -
Paddy  and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbors' dog is  barking like mad  in the garden. Paddy says  "To hell with this!"   and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5  minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do  ?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden.  Let's see  how they like  it!"

------------  --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- ---------  -
Paddy  is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have  Bluetongue.
"Be  Jeysus!" he said,  "I didn't even know they had mobile  phones!"

------------  --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- ---------  -
Mick  and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby  cemetery.
Mick  say "Crikey!  There's a bloke here who was  152!"

Paddy says "What's his name ?"
Mick  replies "Miles,  from   London !"

 

 

 

 

H/T John The Baker


How to pass on bad news

November 23, 2009 22:30 by

Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his vife?"

They  cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet?  I'm  the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Goldberg declares:"Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him", says Goldberg.


Have you ever been this Drunk?

November 20, 2009 23:34 by

H/T Brummie Bill


Entered you for a 7-Day Cruise

November 20, 2009 23:05 by

GOOD LUCK
I hope that you don't mind, but I entered your name in a draw for
a 7-Day, 6-Night cruise. No sales people will call or bother you in any way.
It's on the fabulous new Gypsy Queen Cruise Line ship, The ' Dixie Belle'.

All airfares, transfers, food and drinks included -
with dinner at the Captain's table as his personal guest

Good luck, I hope you win!

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Boy, I wish I was going with you.
If you win, make sure to send pictures. 
Your live in hostesses, will take good care of you.


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Since you will have the Presidential suite, you'll have
a balcony view and the finest facilities.


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Nothing is too good for my friends!

 

H/T Brummie Bill


We was brung up proper

November 20, 2009 23:02 by

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1930's 1940's, 50's, 60's and early 70's !

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.Even though all the shops closed at6.00pmand didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy  Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY, no video/dvd  films, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents. Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT.

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully's always ruled the playground at school. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO

DEAL WITH IT ALL !

And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the government regulated our lives for our own good.

 

H/T Brummie Bill


What are these? (A little NSFW)

November 19, 2009 02:17 by

Find out hereimage89 .

 

 

 

Spotted at DeadDog.


117 Objects balanced on a single Lego block

November 19, 2009 02:11 by

More info at Geeks are Sexy. Fascinating. Think of the patience required.


Flashmob – Bondi Beach Style (for Norm)

November 19, 2009 00:40 by

Especially for our Norm Down Under:

Shake-it baby, err, I mean not the fat bloke, the bikini girls!