I NEVER REALIZED THE DANGER OF REUSING BACON FAT ......UNTIL NOW. HOPE ITS NOT TOO LATE IN GETTING THIS INFO TO  YOU !!

We were raised on bacon fat as kids and even into adulthood. I will never reuse it again! I just threw out my last 2 lbs of bacon grease!! I hope you will throw yours away whenever you fry bacon from now on. It seems as though nothing !!!!!!!!!!!!!! is safe to eat anymore.

This is what happens when you keep recooking with bacon fat. It could happen to you...

This is a warning, send this to everyone you care about.

Bacon grease WILL MAKE YOUR FEET SMALL!!

H/T John The Baker

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.

And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the heck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'

H/T John The Baker

A man walks into a welsh pub, and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..

"Where are you from? You sound English"

"I'm from just across the Severn" replies the man, nervously.

"What do you do, just across the Severn?"

"I'm a taxidermist"

"What on earth is one of those?"

"I mount animals"

"Its alright boys" shouts the barman "He's one of us!".

Especially for Huw. H'/T Des The Taxi

Gordon Brown goes on a state visit to Israel. 

While he is on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and passes away.

The undertaker tells the British Diplomats accompanying 
him, 'You can have him shipped home for £50,000, or you can bury him 
here, in the Holy  Land, for just £100.'

The British Diplomats go into a corner and discuss for a  minute. They come 
back to the undertaker and tell him they want Gordon shipped home. 

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, 'Why would you spend £50,000 to 
ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you
would spend only £100? With the money you save you could 
help pay back some of the deficit, help pay for the Olympic Games or help the 
elderly' 

The British Diplomats replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, 
and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take that chance" !!!

H/T Four Browns

Thanks, John The Baker

You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado here are the 2010 Darwin awards.

8th Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

7th Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

6th Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

5th Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was robbing. Death was caused when the long torch he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free, rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

4th Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

3rd Place
After walking around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter.. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 a.m. So they lit a stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other (!) to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.  Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.  Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.

It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves.... 's**t happens'
IT IS ONLY COURTEOUS TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL!

H/T John The Baker

Enigma – Sadness: Very atmospheric … Best use of Pan Pipes for a long time. Nice spot James.

Handel’s Zadok The Priest: Cracking when it gets going!

Richard Strauss – Sprach Zarathustra (Space Odyssey 2001: That HAL thing)

Elgar’s Nimrod: Sublime, peaceful then stirring. Best we finish with this one!

A United flight attendant announced, ”People, people we're not picking out furniture here.  Find a seat and get in it!

The flight attendant said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings.  If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.”

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane.”

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.”  He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart-ass comment.  Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.  She said to him, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?”

“Why, no, ma'am,” said the pilot.  “What is it?”

The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan in Washington, DC, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker, “Whoa, big fella, WHOA!”

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.”

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing, “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, TX, on a particularly windy and bumpy day:  During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!”

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation.  And, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.  Please do not leave children or spouses . . . . . except for that gentleman over there.”

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:  The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking.  I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.”

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.  And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement, “We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of U S Airways.”

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight, “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.”

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport .  After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number 293, njava-script from New York to Los Angeles.  The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.  Now sit back and relax . . . . . OH, MY GOD!”

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry I scared you earlier.  While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!”  A passenger in coach yelled out, “That's nothing!  You should see the back of mine!”

H/T Brummie Bill

Original  List:

1.. Handsome
2.. Charming
3.. Financially successful
4.. A caring listener
5.. Witty
6.. In good shape
7.. Dresses with style
8.. Appreciates finer things
9.. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a Man,  Revised List (age 32)

1.. Nice looking
2.. Opens car doors,  holds chairs
3.. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4.. Listens more than talks
5.. Laughs at my jokes
6.. Carries  bags of groceries with ease
7.. Owns at least one tie
8.. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9.. Remembers birthdays and  anniversaries

What I Want in a Man,  Revised List (age 42)

1..  Not too ugly
2..  Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3..  Works  steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4..  Nods head  when I'm talking
5..  Usually remembers punch lines of  jokes
6..  Is in good enough shape to rearrange the  furniture
7..  Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8..  Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9..  Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves  most weekends

What I Want in  a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1..  Keeps hair in nose and  ears trimmed
2..  Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3..  Doesn't borrow money too often
4..  Doesn't nod off  to sleep when I'm venting
5..  Doesn't re-tell the same  joke too many times
6..  Is in good enough shape to get off  the couch on weekends
7..  Usually wears matching socks and  fresh underwear
8..  Appreciates a good TV dinner
9..  Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some  weekends

What I Want in a Man,  Revised List (age 62)

1..  Doesn't scare small children
2..  Remembers where the bathroom is
3..  Doesn't require much money for  upkeep
4..  Only snores lightly when asleep
5..  Remembers why he's laughing
6..  Is in good enough  shape to stand up by himself
7..  Usually wears some  clothes
8..  Likes soft foods
9..  Remembers  where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the  weekend

What I Want in a Man,  Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing.
2.   Doesn't miss the toilet.
Send this to the women  who will enjoy reading it and to the men who can handle  it!

H/T John The Baker & Brummie Bill