A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her

Forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth
and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered,

"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room." 

H/T John The Baker

Worth using next time you’re home late!

H/T Steve Green’s Daily Referendum.

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one  to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State  takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2  cows.
The State takes both and sells you some  milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and  shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State  takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk  away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell  one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy  grows.
You sell them and retire on the income. (Hah!)

ROYAL  BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE)  CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your  publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your  brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an  associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a  tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are  transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly  owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven  cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the  company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one  cow to buy a new president of the United  States , leaving you with nine  cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public  then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two  giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica  lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You  sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four  cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has  dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two  cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads,  because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have  two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an  ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a  clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it  worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you  don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS  CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You  charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE  CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking  them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine  productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real  situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You  worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two  cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks  you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one  believes you, so they bomb the cr@p out of you and invade your  country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a  Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two  cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go  for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION (or could be Welsh?)
You  have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive 

H/T Karen SJ

A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:-

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'
'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f**k all in here!!!!'

H/T John The Baker

Touching................

H/T John The Baker

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer.  "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady.  "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband check that, too."

"Again I thank thee.  I shall have my husband check both when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it immediately.  "Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

H/T John The Baker

If you see this post it means that BlogEngine.NET 1.6.0 is running and the hard part of creating your own blog is done. There is only a few things left to do.

Write Permissions

To be able to log in to the blog and writing posts, you need to enable write permissions on the App_Data folder. If you’re blog is hosted at a hosting provider, you can either log into your account’s admin page or call the support. You need write permissions on the App_Data folder because all posts, comments, and blog attachments are saved as XML files and placed in the App_Data folder. 

If you wish to use a database to to store your blog data, we still encourage you to enable this write access for an images you may wish to store for your blog posts.  If you are interested in using Microsoft SQL Server, MySQL, VistaDB, or other databases, please see the BlogEngine wiki to get started.

Security

When you've got write permissions to the App_Data folder, you need to change the username and password. Find the sign-in link located either at the bottom or top of the page depending on your current theme and click it. Now enter "admin" in both the username and password fields and click the button. You will now see an admin menu appear. It has a link to the "Users" admin page. From there you can change the username and password.  Passwords are hashed by default so if you lose your password, please see the BlogEngine wiki for information on recovery.

Configuration and Profile

Now that you have your blog secured, take a look through the settings and give your new blog a title.  BlogEngine.NET 1.4 is set up to take full advantage of of many semantic formats and technologies such as FOAF, SIOC and APML. It means that the content stored in your BlogEngine.NET installation will be fully portable and auto-discoverable.  Be sure to fill in your author profile to take better advantage of this.

Themes and Widgets

One last thing to consider is customizing the look of your blog.  We have a few themes available right out of the box including two fully setup to use our new widget framework.  The widget framework allows drop and drag placement on your side bar as well as editing and configuration right in the widget while you are logged in.  Be sure to check out our home page for more theme choices and downloadable widgets to add to your blog.

On the web

You can find BlogEngine.NET on the official website. Here you'll find tutorials, documentation, tips and tricks and much more. The ongoing development of BlogEngine.NET can be followed at CodePlex where the daily builds will be published for anyone to download.

Good luck and happy writing.

The BlogEngine.NET team

Whose side are you on? Will the little guy get away?

H/T His Eminence the Bishop

Via Vanilla_Tee.

Italy:

Germany:

The USA:

France

Korea:

Portugal:

Brazil!!!!

and finally...
.
.

.
wait for it
.
.
.
Liverpool!
.

.

.

.

H/T John The Baker