The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company! Love it!
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last  two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I  think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000  years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick  Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with  reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat  confused in your history.  The only mode of transportation 2,000  years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway  Company
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I  am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are  confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of   David , 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.  
That gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick  Finnegan.

H/T John Warden

Older  Woman:  Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop:  Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.
Older  Woman:  Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?
Older  Woman:  Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one. 
Traffic Cop: Don't have one?
Older  Woman:  No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving. 
Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. 
Older  Woman:  I can't do that.
Traffic Cop: Why not?
Older  Woman:  I stole this car.
Traffic Cop:  Stole it?
Older  Woman:  Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. 
Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older  Woman:  His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see 

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up.  Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer  slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. 

Officer  2:  Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle  please!
The  woman steps out of her vehicle. 

Older  woman:  Is there a problem sir?
Officer  2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and  murdered the owner.
Older  Woman:  Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!
Officer  2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,  please.
The  woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty  trunk. 
Officer  2:  Is this your car, ma'am?
Older  Woman:  Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite  stunned. 

Officer  2:  My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license. 

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch  purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the  license quizzically. 

Officer  2:  Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a  license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older  Woman:  Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding,  too. 

Don't  Mess With Mature Ladies

H/T His Eminence The Bishop

A pilot at low level has lost control of his craft.

It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the airshow and slams into four buildings.

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

--
to be sure, to be sure …

H/T John the Baker

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (   UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of   Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into   Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the   Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (   USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is  
Oh forget it. Sure, the   Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________ 
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________ 
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

H/T John The Baker

What causes the most automobile accidents?????
  ( read right to the very end)

NOT  CELL PHONES...

NOR THE  RADIO...

NOR THE GPS  MONITOR...

NOT  TALKING...

NOT  TEXTING...

NOR WATCHING A CAR  VIDEO...

NOR CHANGING  CD's...

THE MOST FREQUENT CAUSES OF  TRAFFIC ACCIDENTS ARE:

You guessed it-  inappropriate footwear!

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."  (LOVE IT) 
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"  (MY FAVORITE) 
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."  (National Crime Information Center) 
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

H/T John The Baker

H/T American Doc

Here’s what happens to an engine when it's flown through a volcanic ash cloud. This is a Cessna Citation Jet (CJ2) out of Germany during the volcanic ash cloud a few months ago. Luckily the other engine kept running, although very sluggishly.

The burns are due to the hot air being unable to escape due to everything being clogged up the ash.

H/T His Eminence The Bishop

H/T John The Baker

The four  Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and 
developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946.  The 
temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked 
his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the 
most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and  
instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, 
turned on the air conditioner, and cooled  the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he 
offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they 
wanted the recognition by having a label, "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner",
on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. 

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was 
no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4  
million and that just their first names would be shown. 

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --  Lo, Norm, Hi, and 
Max -- on the controls.

H/T John Warden