A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much...

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

H/T John The Baker

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress
with passengers jumping into the water.

"Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam
to the ship.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins
showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our
fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."

And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat
them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit
inside!"

H/T John The Baker

H/T American Doc

Early experiences that convinced the male to wear clothes

H/T Your Worship

Whether you love or detest football, you can’t have failed to notice (can you?!) that there’s the World Cup coming up. You can now wallow in the schoolboy-level humour below – go on, it might cheer you up....................

I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin
from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack.....she
hasn't even got a car!!

I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel
sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive
myself.

Matt Lucas's ex-partner hanged himself this week. Matt is said to be
distraught but on a lighter note, is now the only gay in the village.

A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom. " Holy F..k" she
screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!!

Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road. A man asks "What's
wrong?" Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Reilly ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind
roight now."

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" . The
girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after.
She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house,
never had to cook,
Had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never
farted upon. The End.

Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes
to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F..k Off". Anyone
who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!

Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast
speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her
gob shut.

Turned on my Sat Nav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo.
How good is that?

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you
could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm f..
king having that!"

Man lost in a hot air ballon over Ireland . He looks down and sees a
farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"

The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b
'stard, you're in that feckin basket!"

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials
999. Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed
her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is
dead?" CLICK,BANG Paddy "OK, done that, what next?

H/T John The Baker

A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager comes to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am what's wrong?'

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.  Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,

'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!'

Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd. In shock, the store manager pleads,

'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'

In a huff, the woman says,

'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES PINCHED
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED !'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!

HT John The Baker

Just across Germany's northern-most border with Denmark you'll find an incredible superstore called Fleggaard.  There, you can buy everything you need - tubs of gummi bears, cases of wine, industrial strength dishwashing soap - at prices 30% cheaper than you'll find in Denmark.  It is Denmark's Costco, packaged as a German loophole.

The 100+ women do stunts in the air - while free-falling - holding hands to spell out   "Half-off on Dishwasher soap at Fleggaard."   You'd be hard-pressed to find a man in Denmark who hasn't seen  and fallen in love with this commercial.  Big surprise!  It was geared strictly to men.

Here is a link to simply the best advertisement ever made.  
http://www.m2film.dk/fleggaard/trailer2.swf

You might be best advised to click the above link from home. This is probably NSFW!

H/T John The Baker

History's top 10 times for appropriate use of the F-word:
10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
5th - "Where the f*** are we?" Amelia Earhart, 1937
4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

AND ...  drum roll please ...    

The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word .....

"Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009

H/T John The Baker

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and
slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make
sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still
looked confused. So she looked all around the store
to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,
unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked
her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She
asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do
was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt,

removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I did the deed. It was so wonderful, that
unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and
KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you
put that condom on?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.

H/T John The Baker