History's top 10 times for appropriate use of the F-word:
10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
5th - "Where the f*** are we?" Amelia Earhart, 1937
4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

AND ...  drum roll please ...    

The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word .....

"Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009

H/T John The Baker

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and
slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make
sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still
looked confused. So she looked all around the store
to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,
unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked
her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She
asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do
was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt,

removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I did the deed. It was so wonderful, that
unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and
KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you
put that condom on?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.

H/T John The Baker

Excellent stuff from John The Baker

Global Facts . . ..
At Any Given Moment:

FACT:
79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now

FACT:
58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex..

FACT:
1 old timer is reading emails.

You hang in there, Sunshine ! ! ! !

H/T John The Baker

A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly .

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,

Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably playing golf with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

H/T John The Baker

H/T Brummie Bill

I thought this was quite clever:

http://www.m2film.dk/fleggaard/trailer2.swf

An English couple take in a 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a tub in the bathroom. However, she use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to throw darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband about it when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?".

No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have any?"

Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff. When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "We are both women and you've seen it all before.

""I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!!

H/T Timmsie

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.

We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.  I love you..' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Batman?"

H/Timmsie