Record Makers Promo from CreativeApplications.Net on Vimeo.

Really rather good.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say it's not quite as good as his mother's then go to Korea and marry ladyboy otherwise

.. adopt a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out dogging (as in watching and occasionally partaking in public sex in carparks, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want  ...

...then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, unless it's gone midnight and the gay porn chat channel has started, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies or sexy housewife videos from one of those “tube” sites or if their servers are down, Google Images! 

..then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to warm your feet and unmentionable toilet parts and whom you can push off if he snores like a fucking drain

..then adopt a dog !
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do (oops sorry wrong hole dear), doesn't care
if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old but are themselves blind or self-deluded, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to except when the words bog and clean are mentioned, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually ..

..then adopt a dog.
BUT,  on the other hand, if you want someone who will  never come, never come
when you call, ignores you totally when you come home after a hard day at the bookies, leaves pubic hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night due to the copious amount of methamphetamines consumed earlier that day and only comes home to eat and sleep, and  acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness .,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

..then vote Labour
Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say... marry a man, didn't you?

You...

....have a GREAT Day!!!

H/T John The Baker

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and
slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make
sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still
looked confused. So she looked all around the store
to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,
unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked
her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She
asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do
was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt,

removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I did the deed. It was so wonderful, that
unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and
KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you
put that condom on?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.

H/T John The Baker

Excellent stuff from John The Baker

I don't send or forward a lot of these, but even by my standards, it was a bit touching.
I want all of my friends to feel what I felt when I read it. Hope it touches your heart like it did mine.

This is so beautiful......

A little boy says to his mother,"Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied,
"Don't even go there! From what I  remember about that party, you're real lucky you don't bark!

 H/T John The Baker

A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat." 
Vet: "Is it a tom? 
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi’ us."

A Yorkshireman's dog dies, and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by. 
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?" 
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?" 
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"  
   

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "she were thine" engraved on it. 
He calls the stonemason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.

True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look. 
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "she were thin".

He explodes - "Bloody 'ell man, you've left the flamin’ "e" out, you've left the flamin’ "e" out!" 
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".  The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, she were thin". 

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore bum asks the chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?" 
The Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?" 
 

H/T His Eminence the Bishop

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him
and never say it's not quite as good as his mother's

..then adopt a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
for as long and wherever you want  ...

..then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care
about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

..then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to
warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores

..then adopt a dog !
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care
if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if
every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves
you unconditionally, perpetually ..

..then adopt a dog.
BUT,  on the other hand, if you want someone who will  never come
when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair
all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only
comes home to eat and sleep, and  acts as if your entire existence
is solely to ensure his happiness .,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

..then adopt a cat!
Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say... marry a man, didn't you?
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them!

You...

....have a GREAT Day!!!

H/T John The Baker

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar
with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who
spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in
New Mexico where she purchased coffee.  You remember, she took the lid
off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving . . .
Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?  That’s
right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts
in the U.S.  You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your
head.  So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stellas for the past year:

*SEVENTH PLACE*
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of
her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably
surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own
son.
Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...

* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house
he had just burglarized by way of the garage Unfortunately for Dickson,
the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the
garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the
door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it
shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a
case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's
insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury
said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.
We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are
more....

Double hand scratching after this one...

*FOURTH PLACE*
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the
Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being
bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the
beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get
as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have
been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed
over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet
gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..

* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a
Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a
spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink
was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds
earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being
responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching....

*SECOND PLACE*
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a
nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor,
knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to
sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover
charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh,
yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.  

Ok. Here we go!!

* FIRST PLACE *
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was:  Mrs. Merv
Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot
Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game,
having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph
and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to
make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the
freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs.. Grazinski
sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't
actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The
Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their
manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any
relatives who might also buy a motor home....

Are we, as a society, getting more stupid????

H/.T John The Baker