Two men were talking.  'So, how's your sex life?'

'Oh,  nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.'

'Social Security sex?'

'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!' 

 H/T Canadian Flogger

LOUD SEX A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem, 
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
ear splitting yell.'
'My dear,' the  shrink said, 'that's  completely natural. I don't see what 
the problem is.'
'The problem is,'  she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came  right out and asked his wife 
during a recent lovemaking session,   'How come you never tell me when you
have an orgasm?'

She  glanced at him casually and replied, 'You're not home!' 

 H/T Canadian Flogger

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of  their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm  getting you a 
headstone that reads:   'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'.' 

'Yeah,' she  replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone  that
reads:   Here Lies My  Husband - Stiff At  Last.''

H/T Canadian Flogger

No Apols if you've seen it before.......The old fella deserves 'reruns'

H/T To Freddo for reminding me.....

One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year
old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up
pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living 
apartment killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she
had anything to say in her defense.  She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor, I
figured that at 92, if he could have sex ... He could fly.'

H/T Canadian Flogger

Our latest Newsletter was published Friday with the duplicted joke now replaced (with sheep).

  Friday, January 2, 2009 containing your favorite Readers Clippings, Lubricants, The Second Coming, Diversions, Real Products you can buy, Groaners from Theo Spark, The Hangover, Motivational Poster and Quoits, Cute Cat Photo, The Madoff Ponzi Scheme, Ahmed Aboul Gheit Egyptian Foreign Minister on Gaza, Troops Abroad, Telephone Answering Charges, Nikon, Segway Beta, My Name is Carmen, Pickup Lines, Chinese Proverbs by Theo, Darwin, Lawyers, Grandpa, Rules for a Happy Life (Men), Armed Robbery, Sheep.    

This newsletter is provided in the popular Adobe PDF format.
 
Download the free Adobe Reader here.

LAS VEGAS CHURCHES ACCEPT GAMBLING CHIPS!!!

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.


THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

H/T The Other Woman

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.          

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'          
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.        

Intrigued,  she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'          

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,          
2 were on the phone.

It's that time of New Year. The Darwin Awards 2008 are now released. Here's a taster, but do visit soon. (Especially as its Monday the first real day back at work!)

(20 April 2008, Atlantic Ocean, Brazil) In 1982 Lawn Chair Larry, beloved survivor of a Darwin-worthy attempt, attached 45 helium weather balloons to his comfortable Sears lawn chair, packed a picnic and a , and cut the tether. But instead of drifting lazily above the Los Angeles landscape, the combined lift of 45 huge helium balloons rocketed Larry into LAX air traffic lanes 16,000 feet above sea level. Astoundingly, he survived the "flight."

In homage to Larry's aerial adventure, a Catholic priest recently ascended towards heaven on a host of helium party balloons. Adelir Antonio de Carli, 41, was attempting to set the world record for clustered balloon flight to publicize his plan to build a spiritual rest stop for truckers.

Sitting for more than 19 hours in a lawn chair is not a trivial matter, even in the comfort of your own backyard. The priest took numerous safety precautions, including wearing a survival suit, selecting a buoyant chair, and packing a satellite phone and a GPS. However, the late Adelir Antonio made a fatal mistake.

He did not know how to use the GPS.

The winds changed, as winds do, and he was blown inexorably toward open sea. He could have parachuted to safety while over land, but chose not to. When the voyager was perilously lost at sea, he prudently phoned for help. But rescuers were unable to reach him since he could not use his GPS! HE struggled with the control panel as the charge on the satellite phone dwindled.

Instead of a GPS, the priest let God be his guide, and God guided him straight to heaven. Bits of balloons began appearing on mountains and beaches. Ultimately the priest's body surfaced, confirming that he, like Elvis, had left the building.

The kicker? It's a Double Darwin. Catholic priests take vows of celibacy. Since they voluntarily remove themselves from the gene pool, the entire group earns a mass Darwin Award. Adelir Antonio wins twice over!