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Footballers lives: The Twitter years - The Media Blog

H/T Brummie Bill

Via The Daley Gator

Two brooms were hanging  in the closet and after a while they got to know  each other so  well, they decided to get  married.

One broom was, of course,  the bride broom, the other the groom  broom.

The bride broom looked  very beautiful in her white  dress.

The groom broom was  handsome and suave in his  tuxedo.

The wedding was  lovely.
After the wedding, at the  wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and  said to the  groom-broom, 'I think I am going to  have a little  broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the  groom  broom.

Are you ready for this? 

Brace yourself;

this is going  to hurt!!!!!!




'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT  TOGETHER!'
..............................

H/T John Warden

Prior to her wedding to Prince Charles, Camilla bought a new pair of shoes which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room.   Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, one's feet are killing one.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour but it would not budge.

'Harder' yelled Camilla.

'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed:  'Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door, The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said:  'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile, back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh God darling, this one's even tighter' ... At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'

H/T Steve

Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.

In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder. However in 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first

I spent £5000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent £3000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent £30 on a blowjob for myself and she went ballistic!

My gran caught me havin a Joderel Bank the other day. She was so shocked she had a stroke - Surprisingly soft hands for a pensioner!

Tell you what, If I had a pound for every time somebody said I had Alzheimer's, I'll have egg on toast please.

Young boy sat in class scratchin his crotch. Teacher asked him what's wrong. Embarrassed, he said he'd just been circumcised & was itchy. Teacher told him to go & ring his mum for advice. He comes back with his willy hangin out! Teacher asks "what on earth are you doing"? "Well miss, mum said if I could stick it out till lunchtime she'd come & get me

Missus is just watching a cookery programme. I said to her "what you watching this for you can't even cook" she said "you watch porn"

A baby shark asks his dad why do we circle people in the water with our fins showing before we eat them why don't we just attack .. The wise old father said "they taste better without the shit inside them" !!!

I am on dragons den next week I’ve invented a landmine that looks like a prayer mat!

I've just finished reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it.

Paddy the Irish electrician has been sacked from H.M. prison service for refusing to fix the electric chair. He said, in his professional opinion, "its a **** death trap!!"

I think Andy Gray and Richard Keys should be sacked for their sexist comments and replaced with a female presenter .... Preferably one with big tits....

Two Essex girls in a pub, in walks an attractive bloke with dandruff. 1st Essex girl says "He needs head & shoulders" 2nd Essex girl says "How do U give shoulders?!"

H/T Daughter #2

Wouldn’t believe how many I had to delete in the interests of general good taste. Probably missed a few.

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