My first time

March 6, 2010 15:35 by English Guy

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and
slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make
sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still
looked confused. So she looked all around the store
to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,
unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked
her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She
asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do
was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt,

removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I did the deed. It was so wonderful, that
unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and
KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you
put that condom on?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.

 

 

 

H/T John The Baker


Some people have way too much time on their hands …

February 24, 2010 12:58 by English Guy
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H/T John The Baker


Muscular Contraction

February 16, 2010 20:28 by English Guy

A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly .

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,

Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably playing golf with his mates.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

 

 

 

 

 

H/T John The Baker


Examining the Financial Crisis: Dollar movements

January 6, 2010 11:49 by

Financial Crisis!

The Question of the Day is...

Will the Dollar fall or not???

SCROLL DOWN

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The moral is be a Tight Ass.

 

 

 

 

H/T Brummie Bill


Poof! The light goes on.

December 31, 2009 15:52 by

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical...

All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.

'Ethel,' George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?'

'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's p1ssing in the fridge again!


Curtain rods

November 28, 2009 22:38 by

CURTAIN RODS---PRICELESS

He spent the first day packing his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

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On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

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On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

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When he had finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

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He then cleaned up the kitchen and left... When the wife returned with her new boyfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

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Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

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Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!!!

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People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. 
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Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

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Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

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The ex-husband called the lady and asked how things were going.

She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for getting his house back.

Knowing her ex-husband had no idea how bad the smell was, she agreed on a price that was about 1/10 th of what the house had been worth, but only if he were to sign the papers that very day.

He agreed and within the hour her lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the lady and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.....

And to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?


Bra Codes

November 25, 2009 23:26 by

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A Friend Is Like A Good Bra....

Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!


How to pass on bad news

November 23, 2009 22:30 by

Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his vife?"

They  cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet?  I'm  the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Goldberg declares:"Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him", says Goldberg.


Chaps. A word about tomatoes

November 18, 2009 23:16 by

H/T Norm Down Under


Gunpowder: Guess what happens next …

November 15, 2009 23:01 by

Wait for it, wait for it ……!

Brilliant. Now which one of you didn’t laugh at that!

 

H/T John The Baker