A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes.. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her

Forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth
and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered,

"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room." 

H/T John The Baker

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one  to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State  takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2  cows.
The State takes both and sells you some  milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and  shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State  takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk  away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell  one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy  grows.
You sell them and retire on the income. (Hah!)

ROYAL  BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE)  CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your  publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your  brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an  associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a  tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are  transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly  owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven  cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the  company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one  cow to buy a new president of the United  States , leaving you with nine  cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public  then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two  giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica  lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You  sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four  cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has  dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two  cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads,  because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have  two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an  ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a  clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it  worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you  don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS  CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You  charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE  CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking  them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine  productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real  situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You  worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two  cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks  you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one  believes you, so they bomb the cr@p out of you and invade your  country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a  Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two  cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go  for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION (or could be Welsh?)
You  have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive 

H/T Karen SJ

A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:-

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'
'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f**k all in here!!!!'

H/T John The Baker

Touching................

H/T John The Baker

An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer.  "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady.  "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband check that, too."

"Again I thank thee.  I shall have my husband check both when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it immediately.  "Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

H/T John The Baker

At Penn State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry
and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident that,
the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big
party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying; they slept all
day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

          Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final,
they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they
visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire.  As a result, they
missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next
day. The guys were excited and relieved.  They studied that night for the exam..

          The next day the professor placed them in separate rooms and gave
them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.
Cool, they thought!  Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be
easy. ...

          Then they turned the page. On the second page was written....

          For 95 points: Which tire? _________

H/T John Warden

A Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally
drunk, when  he comes upon a preacher
baptising people in the  river.

He  proceeds to walk into the water and
subsequently  bumps into the preacher...

The preacher turns around and is almost
overcome by  the smell of  alcohol,
whereupon he asks  the drunk,
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk,
'Brother have  you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him
into the water again for a little longer.

He  again pulls him out of the water and asks
again,  'Have you found Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't
found  Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end
and dunks the drunk inthe  water again ---
but this time holds him down for  about
30 seconds and when he begins kicking
his  arms and legs he pulls
him up. The preacher  again asks the
drunk, 'For the love of God  have you
found Jesus?'

(Are you ready for this????)

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his
breath and  says to the preacher,

'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

H/T His Eminence The Bishop

An English couple take in a 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a tub in the bathroom. However, she use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to throw darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband about it when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?".

No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have any?"

Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff. When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "We are both women and you've seen it all before.

""I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!!

H/T Timmsie

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.

We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.  I love you..' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

"What's for dinner, Batman?"

H/Timmsie

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel
special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had
penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string
is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight.

After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24
inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out
of the shower; his wife looked at him and said, "How
about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to
his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our
little tribal experiment coming  along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way
there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12  inches?"

"No, it's turned black."