Examining the Financial Crisis: Dollar movements

January 6, 2010 11:49 by

Financial Crisis!

The Question of the Day is...

Will the Dollar fall or not???

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The moral is be a Tight Ass.

 

 

 

 

H/T Brummie Bill


Poof! The light goes on.

December 31, 2009 15:52 by

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical...

All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

George replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.

'Ethel,' George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! The light goes off?'

'Oh my God!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's p1ssing in the fridge again!


Curtain rods

November 28, 2009 22:38 by

CURTAIN RODS---PRICELESS

He spent the first day packing his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

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On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

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On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

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When he had finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

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He then cleaned up the kitchen and left... When the wife returned with her new boyfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

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Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

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Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!!!

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People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. 
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Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

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Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

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The ex-husband called the lady and asked how things were going.

She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for getting his house back.

Knowing her ex-husband had no idea how bad the smell was, she agreed on a price that was about 1/10 th of what the house had been worth, but only if he were to sign the papers that very day.

He agreed and within the hour her lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the lady and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.....

And to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?


Bra Codes

November 25, 2009 23:26 by

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A Friend Is Like A Good Bra....

Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!


How to pass on bad news

November 23, 2009 22:30 by

Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his vife?"

They  cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet?  I'm  the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Goldberg declares:"Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him", says Goldberg.


Chaps. A word about tomatoes

November 18, 2009 23:16 by

H/T Norm Down Under


Gunpowder: Guess what happens next …

November 15, 2009 23:01 by

Wait for it, wait for it ……!

Brilliant. Now which one of you didn’t laugh at that!

 

H/T John The Baker


Love Making Tips For Seniors

November 15, 2009 00:51 by

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1. Wear your glasses.
TO make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes,
In case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting.
(Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 999 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6.. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Paracetamol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want...
The neighbours are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . . . . ... . . . . . .

 

 

 

H/T John The Baker


Clever billboard

November 14, 2009 01:32 by

immodium066_pics


Better than the Flu Jab

November 13, 2009 22:56 by

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in
her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she
showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited
him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat
facing her old  Hammond organ, the young minister noticed
a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated,
of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and
scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater,
but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about
this?' Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking
through the park a few months ago and I found this
little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the
spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'

 

H/T John The Baker