H/T John The Baker

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, to fertilise the pullets' eggs. Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him into the London Exhibition and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The Result?
The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Politician called Gordon?

H/T John The Baker

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and
slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make
sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still
looked confused. So she looked all around the store
to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,
unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked
her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She
asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do
was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt,

removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I did the deed. It was so wonderful, that
unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and
KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you
put that condom on?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.

H/T John The Baker

Excellent stuff from John The Baker

Global Facts . . ..
At Any Given Moment:

FACT:
79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now

FACT:
58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex..

FACT:
1 old timer is reading emails.

You hang in there, Sunshine ! ! ! !

H/T John The Baker

I don't send or forward a lot of these, but even by my standards, it was a bit touching.
I want all of my friends to feel what I felt when I read it. Hope it touches your heart like it did mine.

This is so beautiful......

A little boy says to his mother,"Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"
His mother replied,
"Don't even go there! From what I  remember about that party, you're real lucky you don't bark!

 H/T John The Baker

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . 

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed theR !
We missed theR !
We missed theR !'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was...

'CELEBRATE !!!'

H/T John The Baker

A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat." 
Vet: "Is it a tom? 
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi’ us."

A Yorkshireman's dog dies, and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by. 
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?" 
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?" 
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"  
   

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "she were thine" engraved on it. 
He calls the stonemason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.

True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look. 
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "she were thin".

He explodes - "Bloody 'ell man, you've left the flamin’ "e" out, you've left the flamin’ "e" out!" 
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".  The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, she were thin". 

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore bum asks the chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?" 
The Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?" 
 

H/T His Eminence the Bishop

Murphy's' wife had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!

'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a  daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we  aint got done yet, !'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had  yourself another boy, !'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during  conception.

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night  that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'

She said, 'Yeah, I  remember dat night...'

Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ....it's a  fortunate good ting we didn't use WD-40.

H/T John The Baker

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him
and never say it's not quite as good as his mother's

..then adopt a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
for as long and wherever you want  ...

..then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care
about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies

..then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to
warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores

..then adopt a dog !
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care
if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if
every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves
you unconditionally, perpetually ..

..then adopt a dog.
BUT,  on the other hand, if you want someone who will  never come
when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair
all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only
comes home to eat and sleep, and  acts as if your entire existence
is solely to ensure his happiness .,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

..then adopt a cat!
Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say... marry a man, didn't you?
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them!

You...

....have a GREAT Day!!!