You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado here are the 2010 Darwin awards.

8th Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

7th Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

6th Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

5th Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was robbing. Death was caused when the long torch he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free, rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

4th Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

3rd Place
After walking around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter.. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 a.m. So they lit a stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other (!) to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.  Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.  Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.

It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves.... 's**t happens'
IT IS ONLY COURTEOUS TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL!

H/T John The Baker

Enigma – Sadness: Very atmospheric … Best use of Pan Pipes for a long time. Nice spot James.

Handel’s Zadok The Priest: Cracking when it gets going!

Richard Strauss – Sprach Zarathustra (Space Odyssey 2001: That HAL thing)

Elgar’s Nimrod: Sublime, peaceful then stirring. Best we finish with this one!

A United flight attendant announced, ”People, people we're not picking out furniture here.  Find a seat and get in it!

The flight attendant said, “Please be sure to take all of your belongings.  If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.”

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane.”

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a “Thanks for flying our airline.”  He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart-ass comment.  Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.  She said to him, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?”

“Why, no, ma'am,” said the pilot.  “What is it?”

The little old lady said, “Did we land, or were we shot down?”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan in Washington, DC, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker, “Whoa, big fella, WHOA!”

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.”

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing, “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, TX, on a particularly windy and bumpy day:  During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!”

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation.  And, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.  Please do not leave children or spouses . . . . . except for that gentleman over there.”

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:  The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking.  I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.”

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.  And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement, “We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of U S Airways.”

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight, “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.”

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport .  After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  Welcome to Flight Number 293, njava-script from New York to Los Angeles.  The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.  Now sit back and relax . . . . . OH, MY GOD!”

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry I scared you earlier.  While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!”  A passenger in coach yelled out, “That's nothing!  You should see the back of mine!”

H/T Brummie Bill

Original  List:

1.. Handsome
2.. Charming
3.. Financially successful
4.. A caring listener
5.. Witty
6.. In good shape
7.. Dresses with style
8.. Appreciates finer things
9.. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a Man,  Revised List (age 32)

1.. Nice looking
2.. Opens car doors,  holds chairs
3.. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4.. Listens more than talks
5.. Laughs at my jokes
6.. Carries  bags of groceries with ease
7.. Owns at least one tie
8.. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9.. Remembers birthdays and  anniversaries

What I Want in a Man,  Revised List (age 42)

1..  Not too ugly
2..  Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3..  Works  steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4..  Nods head  when I'm talking
5..  Usually remembers punch lines of  jokes
6..  Is in good enough shape to rearrange the  furniture
7..  Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8..  Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9..  Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves  most weekends

What I Want in  a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1..  Keeps hair in nose and  ears trimmed
2..  Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3..  Doesn't borrow money too often
4..  Doesn't nod off  to sleep when I'm venting
5..  Doesn't re-tell the same  joke too many times
6..  Is in good enough shape to get off  the couch on weekends
7..  Usually wears matching socks and  fresh underwear
8..  Appreciates a good TV dinner
9..  Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some  weekends

What I Want in a Man,  Revised List (age 62)

1..  Doesn't scare small children
2..  Remembers where the bathroom is
3..  Doesn't require much money for  upkeep
4..  Only snores lightly when asleep
5..  Remembers why he's laughing
6..  Is in good enough  shape to stand up by himself
7..  Usually wears some  clothes
8..  Likes soft foods
9..  Remembers  where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the  weekend

What I Want in a Man,  Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing.
2.   Doesn't miss the toilet.
Send this to the women  who will enjoy reading it and to the men who can handle  it!

H/T John The Baker & Brummie Bill

---  Paddy Murphy was sent on his way to Heaven.
Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Paddy at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry Paddy' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload
of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new
arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's alright' said Paddy. 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just 3 Questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked Paddy.
St Peter said,
'The 1st question is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
The second is: How many seconds are there in a year?
The third is: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing  Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when
I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So Paddy went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon Paddy and asked if he had
considered the questions, to which Paddy replied, 'I have.'
'Well then, 'said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the
letter T?'
Paddy said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St. Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the
answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then Paddy, could I have your answer to the second of the three
questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?' 
Paddy replied, 'Just 12!'
'Only 12?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure Paddy?'
'Easy' said Paddy, 'there's the second of January, the second of February
right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at Paddy and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later St Peter returned to Paddy.
'I'll allow the answer to stand Paddy, but you need to get the third and final
question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.
Now Paddy, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
Paddy replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer, Paddy?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy' said Paddy.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating
the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning
to Paddy, asked 'Paddy, how in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said Paddy -

'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his Billy boiled.'

H/T John The Baker - brilliant

Record Makers Promo from CreativeApplications.Net on Vimeo.

Really rather good.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say it's not quite as good as his mother's then go to Korea and marry ladyboy otherwise

.. adopt a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out dogging (as in watching and occasionally partaking in public sex in carparks, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want  ...

...then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, unless it's gone midnight and the gay porn chat channel has started, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies or sexy housewife videos from one of those “tube” sites or if their servers are down, Google Images! 

..then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to warm your feet and unmentionable toilet parts and whom you can push off if he snores like a fucking drain

..then adopt a dog !
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do (oops sorry wrong hole dear), doesn't care
if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old but are themselves blind or self-deluded, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to except when the words bog and clean are mentioned, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually ..

..then adopt a dog.
BUT,  on the other hand, if you want someone who will  never come, never come
when you call, ignores you totally when you come home after a hard day at the bookies, leaves pubic hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night due to the copious amount of methamphetamines consumed earlier that day and only comes home to eat and sleep, and  acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness .,
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

..then vote Labour
Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say... marry a man, didn't you?

You...

....have a GREAT Day!!!

H/T John The Baker

History's top 10 times for appropriate use of the F-word:
10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
5th - "Where the f*** are we?" Amelia Earhart, 1937
4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

AND ...  drum roll please ...    

The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word .....

"Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009

H/T John The Baker

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So, they buried Susie.

H/T John The Baker