A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the
other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:" Marion ... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's
off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more
times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens).
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of
the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep
and then the next day it starts all over again"
 
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
 
"No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona '

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination 
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large  pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists 

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids 
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs              (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery               (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow 

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow                                               (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..                (wtf!)                                                  

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control 
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium            (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.                              (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness 
A. When you are sick at the airport.                  (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.                      (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight   (brilliant) 

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

H/T John The Baker

The other day I needed to go to the Accident & Emergency. 

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had down loaded off the Internet.

When I went into the A&E I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.

I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.

It cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

It also works at DSS. It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundry, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's though.....

The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order...

Here's the patch.  Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

H/T John The Baker

How to open a bottle of wine with your shoe! A great party trick.

This one is in French: Ouvrir une bouteille de vin avec un mur ou votre chaussure.

H/T John The Baker

Available here.

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in London.  "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

'Wedding Cake.'

H/T John The Baker

Queen Elizabeth II – official birthday today! I’m sure she’ll see another US President in a few years time…